Reni's Fat Children

She picked her moment wisely. The country was distracted. The country was dark, especially inside the Superdome. Yes, it was SuperBowl Sunday. In the darkness, the canola oil glowed like Judah Maccabee’s lamp. It would take a miracle: to deep fry Seven Layer Bars and have them stay in one piece. To cook them in spattering grease without it splashing and searing the courageous/sociopathic chef’s skin. To consume them without falling to the ground, overcome with bliss, repulsion, disgust and euphoria.

Meanwhile, around this great nation, we gorged ourselves on nachos and wings, beer and cheese dip, and we watched grown men beat each other to a pulp, scream like genuine psychopaths from the sidelines, and possibly get away with stabbing someone. We ingested the grease. We ingested the chaos. When the lights went out, we snacked on pigs in blankets and waited for them to come back on.

The oil will burn. As will Rome.

Play ball.

3 months ago

From the New York Times: “Philadelphia has undertaken a broad assault on childhood obesity for years. Sugary drinks like sweetened iced tea, fruit punch and sports drinks started to disappear from school vending machines in 2004. A year later, new snack guidelines set calorie and fat limits, which reduced the size of snack foods like potato chips to single servings. By 2009, deep fryers were gone from cafeterias and whole milk had been replaced by one percent and skim.”

Despicable. I wanted to believe that pumpkin was full of sugar. Vegetable oil. High fructose corn syrup. Oreos. Pie. Cheese. Hot dogs. Seven layer bars where one of the layers is butter. Donuts. Milkshakes. JALAPEÑO POPPERS. But now we must face the truth. The only thing in that pumpkin is…pumpkin. Which is a vegetable, for those of you keeping score at home.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.

5 months ago

“Our secret is no secret”?

I’ll say.

6 months ago

The scene: A boardroom. Nighttime. Dim oil lamps. Somewhere, a faucet drips. Drip. Drip. Drip. The smells of melted butter and corruption fill the air.

MICHELLE OBAMA: But Reni! We can compromise! Popcorn is actually a pretty healthy snack!

RENI: Muahahaha.

VOLDEMORT: I’m really afraid right now, you guys.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Please, Reni! Think of the children! You don’t need to do this, Reni. Put the butter and sugar away. Enjoy the popcorn on its own. (Gently, imploringly.) Give me the butter and sugar and keep the popcorn, Reni. You’re not the enemy. You’re one of us.

CAPTAIN VON TRAPP: You sound like me to Rolf on the roof of the abbey at the end ofThe Sound of Music.

VOLDEMORT: Accio kale! Accio kale! Aaaaahhhhh! (Exits left, crying.)

CAPTAIN VON TRAPP: Brb, fighting Nazis.

MICHELLE OBAMA: Noooooooo!

RENI: Dessert, anyone?

6 months ago

Hurricane Sandy? More like HURRICANE RENI. Excessive canola oil, unprecedented amounts of wonton skins, and a blizzard of powdered sugar has arteries in some regions closed indefinitely and blood sugar skyrocketing. “This is horrifying and truly shocking,” said New Jersey governor Chris Christie, without a trace of irony.

Effects on Reni’s children’s future obesity are unknown at this time, but experts fear the worst and urge citizens to maybe eat a goddamn vegetable.

PS: Is this post in bad taste? Yes. Were those fried sugared wonton skins in bad taste? Bitch please.

6 months ago